Petty and Selfish

While growing up our parents tried their best to prepare us for what there was to come. They knew what had been hard for them and tried to make it less hard for us, but there was alway something that didn’t quite make sense.

I have realized over the years that while my parents tried to make everything understandable while I was growing up, it wasn’t until I was grown up and I had to deal with those things that I understood. Perhaps it is just due to my learning style of actually doing something rather than learning from just listening, but certain things made no sense or were very difficult for me to understand, which are now fairly simple and ordinary.

I think of when I have kids and how I will deal with that same sort of thing. I will probably do exactly as my parents did and try to make it easier on them, but knowing that it will not work and that they will have to learn for themselves eventually. If we try to hand our children everything then they will be too soft or unable to handle things without us there.

Which brings me to some people I have met in my adult years. I have noticed that there are certain people out there who either got everything that they wanted when they were a child or they just assumed that the world was theirs and that it would be given to them. Now, some of these have learned through the years how to deal with difficult situations but I have seen so many of these people get very petty and act absurd when they do not understand something. It is like they revert to their young teen years or younger and throw a tantrum and want everything handed to them. Normally these people are either house wives or others who are living on someone else’s money. I am sure they could work some where if they really tried hard, but I just cannot see them working anywhere, or anywhere for very long.

Which brings me back to one of the things that I said in a previous post: I wish everyone would see that we are all living beings in the same world as each other and I wish we could just help each other out to survive rather than be petty and so petty and selfish. But, I know that human nature does seem to be those two things: petty and selfish, but that does not mean I have to like it or that I have to be a part of it. I try my hardest not to be either of those things and when I realize that I have been I try to make up for it.

Originally Posted on Orble.com March 27th, 2010

Live Like You’re Dieing

I was listening to the radio today and the line “Live like you’re dieing” was said and it got me to thinking about what life would be like if people actually lived as if they were not to wake the next morning. There would be two type of people I think. Those who would be all about themselves and want to do everything and anything to just do it and want people to pay attention to them because they were dieing. Then there would be others who would want to spend all their time with friends and be nice to others because what is the point of being rude and pushy if you are going to die and have to answer for it all soon.

Now I am not saying that all the nice people would be religious and all the non-nice people would be non-religious, however that would be one way of looking at it. However, both my husband and I are non-religious and I know both of us while we would be wanting to do everything and anything, we would also not loose sight of the fact that life happens and why not be nice to those that you deal with on a day to day basis. There is always the chance that you will last another day and have to deal with those people again.

Some people believe that customer service has gone down the drain in this new technology age and there is probably some justice in saying so. However, partially why that is is because no one treats those in customer service like human beings. If something doesn’t go perfectly they do not think of the people trying to make it better as human beings but more like broken computers. If we did act as if we were all dieing perhaps we would all be a little nicer and enjoy life a little bit more. Enjoy each other and try to help each other out a little bit more.

Helping others seems to have gone by the wayside through the years and partially I think that is because people think that there will always be a tomorrow and plans must be made. They think they can deal with it later or it will be forgotten in the rush of the every day to day things. However, people’s emotions are delicate, even in this harsh non-responsive world. Compassion is always enjoyed rather than the bitterness of a grumpy, egotistical person.

Just food for thought 


Posted on Orble.com March 29th, 2010

Realism Bending Life Out of Order

I haven’t been feeling very philosophical lately due to me having way too many realistic things going on in my life. My mother was recently visiting me from California and while she was visiting my husband and I found out that he had received his new job and we are now moving back to California. The past few days have been hard with packing, my birthday, my mother in town, and the fact that my mother and husband don’t seem to mesh well for whatever reason. However, with moving and me all of a sudden needing a break from people I have again let my brain adrift and while nothing extraordinary has surfaced the idea of moving and what is considered home has been brought to the forefront.

The old adages goes “Where ever you hang your hat is home” or “Home is where the heart is”. These are two different ways of looking at home; one being from the spiritual sense and the other being from a physical or comfort sense. Which one do you normally call home? Do you call being back in the comfort of loved ones, let that be your family now or the family you grew up with, or even the neighbors that you spent all your time with. Or, is home where you come back to after a hard days work and are able to sit back and relax and while there may be something to do around the house you can look around and smile upon what you have?

With moving across the country I have found that while I am quite the loner my need for people is a lot stronger than I thought it was. I miss my family, even if they do drive me crazy, and I miss my friends. I have never had a place that I have called really my own and when I think of a home it seems to be just where-ever my stuff is and where my husband and my cats are. However, one of the things I catch myself doing all the time is when I am embarrassed or just tired of the day is say “I just wish I were home” but when I think of back with my parents or back at what ever apartment I am living in currently I shudder. Not that there is anything to shudder about, but it isn’t the comfortable place I really want to be. My “home”, as it were, I believe is within my own head and while I have not had the chance to sit back and just let my thoughts drift in quite sometime, that is where I seem to be the most relaxed.

 

So where is home to you?

Originally posted on April 12th, 2010 on Orble.com 

Feelings that Come from The Idea of Home

I recently moved, again, and have found the feeling of home permeating from this new location more than I have anywhere else. Why that is I have yet to discover, but I am sure over time I will.

Growing up, I was from a small town which and which I was on the outskirts there of on top of it. I had no way of riding my bike into town nor did I even have the courtesy of having a bus stop nearby to take me anywhere. I relied on my parents and my own ingenious to keep my occupied. My parents wonder why it is that I am very introverted and I while I would like to blame my father’s own hermit tendencies for this, I know that it has to do more with the idea that I really had no other choice. Being such is not the worst thing in the world, but it does make certain situations hard to maneuver through.

When I moved away from my parents I moved into a small clique of people and have yet to really move away from them. I even married a member of this clique, which, in hindsight, may have been rash, but has not, so far, been a bad thing. He, ironically, is more outgoing than I am even though he did not have anymore advantage of being able to go out into the world than I did. We are both introverts and this sometimes gets into the way of being together and becoming extroverts with each other.

We moved to Florida to try out something different and it showed us a little bit more of who we were. The feeling of not belonging was harsh with us and the idea of being home never once entered either of our minds. This is probably why it took us only ten months to decide that this was a bad choice. It is a choice that I am glad we had gotten to take, but it had not been what we were looking for.

We then moved back to California and while my husband was worried that he had picked out somewhere that I was not going to like… I have loved it the most out of all the places I have ever lived. There is a feeling of home that I have never felt before. I hope I continue to feel this way and am able to stay here for a long time.

That feeling of home is like a warm blanket that I just want to lay in without ever getting up. Sleeping in my bed is the most comfortable I have ever had it be and that is hard to say since my bed is already extremely comfortable. However, there is something about the way the sun hits the cement and the air that is outside. Just a comfort that makes me smile even on days that it is hard for me to smile.


Written on Orble.com May 15th, 2010

Self Esteem in Gamers

I am a “Gamer Chick” and what this means is that I like to play RPGs (Role Playing Games) which I like doing on the computer, as table top games, and as LARP (Live Action Role Playing). One of the things I have noticed from this is that the people who play or associate themselves with these games, especially those who are younger, seem to have a lack of respect or at least self-esteem for themselves. Now, this is not ALL the people who seem to play, as I know a few people who are very good at what they do and are happy individuals, I am more speaking of the ones that while leaving fairly normal lives have the problems with image or social awkwardness. Gamers have been known to be socially awkward no matter what game they play. This is most likely caused by the stereotype that is/was associated with these individuals as they grew up. They were not in the popular group and were normally among the loners. The popular students would sneer and make fun of them as they passed a game or saw an individual near their locker.

Being female and a gamer was even more awkward as most of the people who were gamers were guys who were so awkward around girls in the first place that they would then shun those who wished to join their little space. Female gamers would push and learn on their own. Normally there was only a single gamer per group as she had made herself “one of the guys” and had overcome the guys awkwardness. However, these females, as they grew up, would have the same body issues of any other girl in school, but because they were a part of the gamer group would most likely not date until she was out of high school. Not because guys thought she out of bounds, but because the popular guys would not see her a part of their group and the gamer guys would see her as “one of the guys” with boobs and be unable to approach her in that fashion. As the gamer chick left high school and entered the workforce or college (more than likely college as most gamers are relatively smart) they would be introduced to different people and more people who grew up as they had. They would be able to join together with larger gamer groups which would then have more than the single female gamer.

Being only at this point myself I cannot say exactly what the next step for the gamer chick growth is, but I do know that I met another gamer chick last night who while gorgeous in all the socially acceptable ways (skinny, beautiful features, nice teeth, etc) she was very self conscious of her midsection and actually said to a guy that she did not think herself pretty and even made sure to cover her stomach when complimented (she had a shirt that showing her midriff which is what begun the conversation). This made me realize that while she was in her mid-twenties, she still had the unfortunate feeling of a high school student growing into her skin and accepting who she was. While some gamer girls know that they have looks and will flaunt said looks during game, put them into normal everyday positions in which they could do the same flaunting and they will cower away from the experience.

These are observations I have personally made with groups of friends that I have. This is not meant to be a scientific study in any way due to the small sampling size. However, if you do find these words to be of use to you, I am pleased.


Written for Orble.com on May 24th, 2010

Portia Di Rossi on Ellen DeGeneres and My Reactions

The following is a piece I wrote after a very different Ellen Show.  Portia, her wife, had just come out with her story of being a model and they had done an entire segment on the book and it was very emotional.  The following were my thoughts on the entire thing… I have the book and have yet to read it (don’t hurt me Ellen or Portia, I will get to it, just so many books!)
(This was written right after the show, but I waited on posting it, not sure why… but written on November 4, 2010)


I watched Ellen DeGeneres today and it was different than her other shows for her show. She had her wife Portia on who had just written a book about her modeling career that started at 12. She goes on to talk about her extensive body issues and how they created her need to be anorexic and how she talked herself into it being alright. There was a point in which she even walked through her old apartment and showed us where certain things had been and how they had attributed to her disease.

One of the things that really hit me was the fact that while she was talking about certain thigns she did I caught myself thinking, “hmm… yeah that would work.” And while I would never say that I am anorexic or have an eating disorder it was unnerving how my mind was handling that information.

Another thing that was said on the show that really resonated with me was when she was talking about when she was 13 and she had gone into an audition for a modeling shoot and they had asked her to turn around and lower her pants. They needed to see her behind due to what they were shooting and one of the women actually looked at her and said, “You have quite a flabby behind for a girl of your age, do you exercise?” and this just hit hard since we are always being told now that saying something like that to that young of a person is a strict no-no, but not too long ago it was alright to say. I think to when my husband had commented on some of my flabbiness and how I had worked so hard before our wedding to minimize it as much as possible. It had gotten bad enough that while I wasn’t purging or starving myself, I was trying NOT to eat during the day at all.

There was one year when I was much younger in which I had lost a ton of weight between my freshman and sophomore year. My mother had asked if I was eating and she said yes and she had never seen me purge. I had always chalked it up to an awesome timing for a growth spirt but I know there was something else that was going on at that point. I had just broken up with the first guy that I had sex with which meant that he was much more to me than just ANOTHER guy. That summer I had pretty much shut down. Every morning I had eaten three bites of my cereal, drained the milk, and tossed the uneaten cereal in the garbage, sometimes hiding the pieces so if someone ever just looked in they would’t be able to tell. I thought it was just due to me not being hungry but that not being hungry feeling was due to the mental distress I was under and unable to handle and so my body was so wound up that I was unable to eat correctly. I would cry for hours in my room which were practically the best sit-ups I have ever done since they were serious wrenching sobs.

It was also the year in which my mother told me that I should not cry, “unless something important happens such as a funeral”, which at the time I did not understand. I stopped crying by the time school started again and through the year I gained a little weight back due to the food at the high school not being the greatest for you. My mental stress was still there so I was still not eating as much but I wasn’t eating as well as when I was at home. I wasn’t having the sobbing sessions so I wasn’t getting the exercise in that way, but I was a part of the volleyball junior varsity and while I was messing up my social life I was still getting some exercise done.

I have had my own variety of disorders along with a self-esteem issue and I think this also comes from my parents not wishing to invade my space. While they were trying not to invade my space I was going through things in which I really could have used a helpful ear. There was a time in which I asked to talk to my mother about what was going on and I had mainly wanted her to hold me and calm me but instead she sat across from me and waited for me to talk. It was unnerving to try and get her to sit next to me, after all that was the reason I sat on the couch and hadn’t taken the rocking chair myself, but I finally got her to sit down but I think by the end I was more frustrated because it felt like breaking plaster to get her to hold me and to emphasize with me.

That has always made a raw spot for me, but I think it has also shown me things about my mother that I can see in myself. My husband and I were recently talking about how I don’t seem to have a bone for apathy which would also make it understandable why one of my classes I almost failed because they wanted me to apotheosize with a group and I just couldn’t. I tried coping everyone else’s model of their projects but I just could not wrap my head around what he wanted. All I could do was be very scientific and give the facts of what I was seeing was going on with the group. Perhaps this is also why I had thought I would go into science but the numbers, for whatever reason, confused me and I decided against it.
But back to Ellen and Portia. The entire interview was very touching and it brought up good points and while it was different from Ellen’s other” interviews I think it was also more powerful too.

Posted on Orble.com on November 13th, written November 4th 

The Reason I Write

I think this makes a pretty good next post for my blog.  I had written this for my Orble account, but have not posted to that account for a while.  This piece is still pretty accurate.


This month is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and while I signed up last year to do this I didn’t write one word due to not having the courage or the push to start. This year I began, got to 8K words and accidentally deleted my entire thing. I have not had the will power to start it back up again, but am wishing to do some sort of writing each day to keep myself going.

When I was in school I used to write to ignore my studies. I would be writing a paper or reading a section in a book and have an epiphany for a story. I would jot down notes and then never get back to them. I have so many notebooks that are not completely filled, but have so many random notes and one or two pages of stories in them, that if I could get them all to work together I would probably have the 50K words that the NaNoWriMo group normally wants for that month. I have wanted to pull out all of my notes and put them into one notebook so I could reference them more easily, but I fear that will probably not happen until I have a house in which I can actually find all my writings.

However, what I wished to talk about in this posting was the reason that I write. It seems to be a common question for most authors to receive is either “what got you into writing” or “where do you get the ideas for what you write?” While, I have not been published, I am still a writer as I do write. And where I get most of my ideas are from those epiphanies that I have which now-a-day come to me in between wake and sleep. While they do not come nearly as often now, now I have more time to sit down and actually do that thing that I love oh so much… WRITING. The only draw back that I seem to have is the stories that unfold for me in my head never seem to do so well when I try to put them down onto paper. I never can seem to get the same sway of a character or same demeanor of the bad guy that I had in my dream. Or I will have ideas in which it is just scenes, but how do I get there? That is when those are the one or two pages written.

The other thing that I love is when I have a very vivid scene unfold for me in my mind and I follow it all the way through, but when I go to write it down the vividness doesn’t seem to be as transparent on the paper or I forget details as I am writing. I really wish they would invent a machine in which you can just think and it puts it down on paper. I think quicker than I can type or write and because of this I loose some of the awesomeness of what I am trying to portray. Which is quite upsetting.

Do you write? What are some of the things that you have difficulties with and what gives you your ideas?

First published on Orble.com on November 20, 2010

First Post on a New Blog

I have had many blogs over the years, but hopefully this will be my last one that I make.  I will try to keep most of my personal life outside of these entries since that is not my intentions for this blog.  It will be more information on what I have found to deal with situations, such as, I am currently in the process of buying a home and would love to share all the ins and outs that I have found over the process.  I am also a lover of reading and will be posting my thoughts on books that I finish.  I am a constant learner as well and hopefully my views on certain things will interest you as well.

This is a short post I know, but I wanted to post something.  I am going to try and go through old blogs I have posted to and post things that I still find interesting and hopefully you will not mind that either.  I hope you let me know what you wish to see more of and what you do not care to see.  I am a decent kind of person and will take any considerations seriously.

For now, I will bid you adieu.

Portia Di Rossi on The Ellen DeGeneres Show & My Reactions

I watched Ellen DeGeneres today and it was different from her other shows for her show.  She had her wife, Portia Di Rossi, on who had just written a book about her modeling career that started at 12.  She goes on to talk about her extensive body issues and how they created her need to be anorexic and how she talked herself into it being alright.  There was a point in which she even walked through her old apartment and showed us where certain things had been and how they had attributed to her disease.

One of the things that really hit me was the fact that while she was talking about certain things she did I caught myself thinking, “hmm… yeah that would work.” And while I would never say that I am anorexic or have an eating disorder it was unnerving how my mind was handling that information.

Another thing that was said on the show that really resonated with me was when she was talking about when she was 13 and she had gone into an audition for a modeling shoot and they had asked her to turn around and lower her pants.  They needed to see her behind due to what they were shooting and one of the women actually looked at her and said, “You have quite a flabby behind for a girl of your age, do you exercise?” and this just hit hard since we are always being told now that saying something like that to that young of a person is a strict no-no, but not too long ago it was alright to say.  I think to when my husband had commented on some of my flabbiness and how I had worked so hard before our wedding to minimize it as much as possible.  It had gotten bad enough that while I wasn’t purging or starving myself, I was trying NOT to eat during the day at all.

There was one year when I was much younger in which I had lost a ton of weight between my freshman and sophomore year.  My mother had asked if I was eating and she said yes and she had never seen me purge.  I had always chalked it up to an awesome timing for a growth spirit but I know there was something else that was going on at that point.  I had just broken up with the first guy that I had sex with which meant that he was much more to me than just ANOTHER guy.  That summer I had pretty much shut down.  Every morning I had eaten three bites of my cerael, drained the milk, and tossed the uneaten cereal in the garbage, sometimes hiding the pieces so if someone ever just looked in they would’t be able to tell.  I thought it was just due to me not being hungry but that not being hungry feeling was due to the mental distress I was under and unable to handle and so my body was so wound up that I was unable to eat correctly. I would cry for hours in my room which were practically the best sit-ups I have ever done since they were serious wrenching sobs.

It was also the year in which my mother told me that I should not cry, “unless something important happens such as a funeral”, which at the time I did not understand.  I stopped crying by the time school started again and through the year I gained a little weight back due to the food at the high school not being the greatest for you.  My mental stress was still there so I was still not eating as much but I wasn’t eating as well as when I was at home.  I wasn’t having the sobbing sessions so I wasn’t getting the exercise in that way, but I was a part of the volleyball junior varsity and while I was messing up my social life I was still getting some exercise done.

I have had my own variety of disorders along with a self-esteem issue and I think this also comes from my parents not wishing to invade my space.  While they were trying not to invade my space I was going through things in which I really could have used a helpful ear.  There was a time in which I asked to talk to my mother about what was going on and I had mainly wanted her to hold me and calm me but instead she sat across from me and waited for me to talk.  It was unnerving to try and get her to sit next to me, after all that was the reason I sat on the couch and hadn’t taken the rocking chair myself, but I finally got her to sit down but I think by the end I was more frustrated because it felt like breaking plaster to get her to hold me and to emphasize with me.

That has always made a raw spot for me, but I think it has also shown me things about my mother that I can see in myself.  My husband and I were recently talking about how I don’t seem to have a bone for apathy which would also make it understandable why one of my classes I almost failed because they wanted me to apotheosize with a group and I just couldn’t.  I tried coping everyone else’s model of their projects but I just could not wrap my head around what he wanted.  All I could do was be very scientific and give the facts of what I was seeing was going on with the group.  Perhaps this is also why I had thought I would go into science but the numbers, for whatever reason, confused me and I decided against it.

But back to Ellen and Portia.  The entire interview was very touching and it brought up good points and while it was different from Ellen’s other interviews I think it was also more powerful too.

Self-Esteem in Gamers

I am a “Gamer Chick” and what this means is that I like to play RPGs (Role Playing Games) which I like doing on the computer, as table top games, and as LARP (Live Action Role Playing). One of the things I have noticed from this is that the people who play or associate themselves with these games, especially those who are younger, seem to have a lack of respect or at least self-esteem for themselves. Now, this is not ALL the people who seem to play, as I know a few people who are very good at what they do and are happy individuals, I am more speaking of the ones that while leaving fairly normal lives have the problems with image or social awkwardness. Gamers have been known to be socially awkward no matter what game they play. This is most likely caused by the stereotype that is/was associated with these individuals as they grew up. They were not in the popular group and were normally among the loners. The popular students would sneer and make fun of them as they passed a game or saw an individual near their locker.

Being female and a gamer was even more awkward as most of the people who were gamers were guys who were so awkward around girls in the first place that they would then shun those who wished to join their little space. Female gamers would push and learn on their own. Normally there was only a single gamer per group as she had made herself “one of the guys” and had overcome the guys awkwardness. However, these females, as they grew up, would have the same body issues of any other girl in school, but because they were a part of the gamer group would most likely not date until she was out of high school. Not because guys thought she out-of-bounds, but because the popular guys would not see her a part of their group and the gamer guys would see her as “one of the guys” with boobs and be unable to approach her in that fashion. As the gamer chick left high school and entered the workforce or college (more than likely college as most gamers are relatively smart) they would be introduced to different people and more people who grew up as they had. They would be able to join together with larger gamer groups which would then have more than the single female gamer.

Being only at this point myself I cannot say exactly what the next step for the gamer chick growth is, but I do know that I met another gamer chick last night who while gorgeous in all the socially acceptable ways (skinny, beautiful features, nice teeth, etc) she was very self-conscious of her midsection and actually said to a guy that she did not think herself pretty and even made sure to cover her stomach when complimented (she had a shirt that showing her midriff which is what begun the conversation). This made me realize that while she was in her mid-twenties, she still had the unfortunate feeling of a high school student growing into her skin and accepting who she was. While some gamer girls know that they have looks and will flaunt said looks during game, put them into normal everyday positions in which they could do the same flaunting and they will cower away from the experience. These are observations I have personally made with groups of friends that I have. This is not meant to be a scientific study in any way due to the small sampling size. However, if you do find these words to be of use to you, I am pleased.