HydroFloat Short

I recently tried out Hydro Therapy and very much enjoyed it. They encourage people to create afterwards and it is understandable why. I did it late in the evening so having actually fallen asleep in the water I was a bit out of it when it came to a close and I stepped out. I was extremely energized and at first could not focus, but as my body calmed my mind opened up.

Here is what came out:


She came from no wehre, which of course is somewhere. She had no plans, no goals, no worries, and no woes. She travelled here and there without a care. Until she found us. The ones who cared. The ones who had to put everything into a box. What we did to her as we began to bend her mind. Her head having always been light was now uncomfortably heavy. Her mind wizzed and the pressure was so much.

She lost th edesier to travel and imagine. The things we told her she must do and the things we told her was silly or stupid… it crushed who she was to become the nothing from which she came from.

What we have done was – no is – unforgivable. She died the moment she walked into our world. A world we consider living is truly that of the living dead. We allow nothing of the true freedom of the soul, though we claim we do.

The conventions we live by crush, smother, and eventually kill us.


Portia Di Rossi on The Ellen DeGeneres Show & My Reactions

I watched Ellen DeGeneres today and it was different from her other shows for her show.  She had her wife, Portia Di Rossi, on who had just written a book about her modeling career that started at 12.  She goes on to talk about her extensive body issues and how they created her need to be anorexic and how she talked herself into it being alright.  There was a point in which she even walked through her old apartment and showed us where certain things had been and how they had attributed to her disease.

One of the things that really hit me was the fact that while she was talking about certain things she did I caught myself thinking, “hmm… yeah that would work.” And while I would never say that I am anorexic or have an eating disorder it was unnerving how my mind was handling that information.

Another thing that was said on the show that really resonated with me was when she was talking about when she was 13 and she had gone into an audition for a modeling shoot and they had asked her to turn around and lower her pants.  They needed to see her behind due to what they were shooting and one of the women actually looked at her and said, “You have quite a flabby behind for a girl of your age, do you exercise?” and this just hit hard since we are always being told now that saying something like that to that young of a person is a strict no-no, but not too long ago it was alright to say.  I think to when my husband had commented on some of my flabbiness and how I had worked so hard before our wedding to minimize it as much as possible.  It had gotten bad enough that while I wasn’t purging or starving myself, I was trying NOT to eat during the day at all.

There was one year when I was much younger in which I had lost a ton of weight between my freshman and sophomore year.  My mother had asked if I was eating and she said yes and she had never seen me purge.  I had always chalked it up to an awesome timing for a growth spirit but I know there was something else that was going on at that point.  I had just broken up with the first guy that I had sex with which meant that he was much more to me than just ANOTHER guy.  That summer I had pretty much shut down.  Every morning I had eaten three bites of my cerael, drained the milk, and tossed the uneaten cereal in the garbage, sometimes hiding the pieces so if someone ever just looked in they would’t be able to tell.  I thought it was just due to me not being hungry but that not being hungry feeling was due to the mental distress I was under and unable to handle and so my body was so wound up that I was unable to eat correctly. I would cry for hours in my room which were practically the best sit-ups I have ever done since they were serious wrenching sobs.

It was also the year in which my mother told me that I should not cry, “unless something important happens such as a funeral”, which at the time I did not understand.  I stopped crying by the time school started again and through the year I gained a little weight back due to the food at the high school not being the greatest for you.  My mental stress was still there so I was still not eating as much but I wasn’t eating as well as when I was at home.  I wasn’t having the sobbing sessions so I wasn’t getting the exercise in that way, but I was a part of the volleyball junior varsity and while I was messing up my social life I was still getting some exercise done.

I have had my own variety of disorders along with a self-esteem issue and I think this also comes from my parents not wishing to invade my space.  While they were trying not to invade my space I was going through things in which I really could have used a helpful ear.  There was a time in which I asked to talk to my mother about what was going on and I had mainly wanted her to hold me and calm me but instead she sat across from me and waited for me to talk.  It was unnerving to try and get her to sit next to me, after all that was the reason I sat on the couch and hadn’t taken the rocking chair myself, but I finally got her to sit down but I think by the end I was more frustrated because it felt like breaking plaster to get her to hold me and to emphasize with me.

That has always made a raw spot for me, but I think it has also shown me things about my mother that I can see in myself.  My husband and I were recently talking about how I don’t seem to have a bone for apathy which would also make it understandable why one of my classes I almost failed because they wanted me to apotheosize with a group and I just couldn’t.  I tried coping everyone else’s model of their projects but I just could not wrap my head around what he wanted.  All I could do was be very scientific and give the facts of what I was seeing was going on with the group.  Perhaps this is also why I had thought I would go into science but the numbers, for whatever reason, confused me and I decided against it.

But back to Ellen and Portia.  The entire interview was very touching and it brought up good points and while it was different from Ellen’s other interviews I think it was also more powerful too.

Self-Esteem in Gamers

I am a “Gamer Chick” and what this means is that I like to play RPGs (Role Playing Games) which I like doing on the computer, as table top games, and as LARP (Live Action Role Playing). One of the things I have noticed from this is that the people who play or associate themselves with these games, especially those who are younger, seem to have a lack of respect or at least self-esteem for themselves. Now, this is not ALL the people who seem to play, as I know a few people who are very good at what they do and are happy individuals, I am more speaking of the ones that while leaving fairly normal lives have the problems with image or social awkwardness. Gamers have been known to be socially awkward no matter what game they play. This is most likely caused by the stereotype that is/was associated with these individuals as they grew up. They were not in the popular group and were normally among the loners. The popular students would sneer and make fun of them as they passed a game or saw an individual near their locker.

Being female and a gamer was even more awkward as most of the people who were gamers were guys who were so awkward around girls in the first place that they would then shun those who wished to join their little space. Female gamers would push and learn on their own. Normally there was only a single gamer per group as she had made herself “one of the guys” and had overcome the guys awkwardness. However, these females, as they grew up, would have the same body issues of any other girl in school, but because they were a part of the gamer group would most likely not date until she was out of high school. Not because guys thought she out-of-bounds, but because the popular guys would not see her a part of their group and the gamer guys would see her as “one of the guys” with boobs and be unable to approach her in that fashion. As the gamer chick left high school and entered the workforce or college (more than likely college as most gamers are relatively smart) they would be introduced to different people and more people who grew up as they had. They would be able to join together with larger gamer groups which would then have more than the single female gamer.

Being only at this point myself I cannot say exactly what the next step for the gamer chick growth is, but I do know that I met another gamer chick last night who while gorgeous in all the socially acceptable ways (skinny, beautiful features, nice teeth, etc) she was very self-conscious of her midsection and actually said to a guy that she did not think herself pretty and even made sure to cover her stomach when complimented (she had a shirt that showing her midriff which is what begun the conversation). This made me realize that while she was in her mid-twenties, she still had the unfortunate feeling of a high school student growing into her skin and accepting who she was. While some gamer girls know that they have looks and will flaunt said looks during game, put them into normal everyday positions in which they could do the same flaunting and they will cower away from the experience. These are observations I have personally made with groups of friends that I have. This is not meant to be a scientific study in any way due to the small sampling size. However, if you do find these words to be of use to you, I am pleased.